


true trans soul rebel

by 10redplums



Series: dragons campaign [6]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, fear of trans panic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:14:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27772084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10redplums/pseuds/10redplums
Summary: It's hard having sensitive personal information and being responsible for a large section of an army. It's hard and nobody understands.Or: Armand has a nice chat with a friend, and feels out his options.
Relationships: player character & npc
Series: dragons campaign [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2018047
Kudos: 1
Collections: Banned Together Bingo 2020





	true trans soul rebel

Armand had been born to be used. He knows this. He hadn’t known it as an infant, turned over with Jocaste to the Order of the Gauntlet as his mother’s debt repaid, hadn’t known it when they’d been passed to the Church of the Lonely Mother to be educated and trained. Hadn’t understood it at eleven, when Jocaste’s nascent power had manifested and She’d taken her back; She’d told the order they’d only ever asked for one, anyway, but they’d be compensated for the education of the other one. Had understood it, eventually, at thirteen, when Senior Reverend Hermann had taken his hand and spoken to him gently. At seventeen, when he’d been formally inducted into the Order.

Work sends him beyond the borders of Waterdeep, soothing small ills and rooting out small evils, the weapon of the Order, the son of Sehanine. It walks him beside death instead of just beside the dead, and his blood waters many fields over the course of it, but it never occurs to him to leave. This is his life. This is his purpose.

At thirteen Sehanine herself appears to him in a vision and he understands what it means to want to be owned, to be cherished, and he throws himself headlong into that devotion. He understands how to love happily. He pledges himself to her body and soul and he bathes his hands in soil, in blood, in moonlight, and she rewards his love with power beyond anything he could have imagined. He loves her, he loves her, he loves her.

At twenty-four he learns heartache and wanting small things for himself. He wants one thing, in particular, that somehow manages to be smaller than a sparrow but still take up the universe from end to end.

“Master Evelyn, may I ask you a personal question?”

They blink slowly at him, spoon still in their mouth. It’s a sunny day, and the two of them are sitting in a cafe. Master Evelyn  _ does _ drink their coffee black. They take it with a slice of cake, but still.

The world continues to move, around them. People on their way to the market. People gossiping. A little way away, a customer berates a waiter for spilling his coffee.

“I- I’m trans,” Armand says. He can tell them this. “I’m a man. You know this. This is- this is all good corsetry. You- we’re not the same, but-” They give him a smile, nodding. “I- I want to tell Sir Isteval. I wanted to tell you first.”

They smile at him again and put their spoon down. 

“I think he’ll be happy to see you again,” they say. Armand looks away and refuses to grab his mask to hide his face.

He’s not arrogant enough to think this matters, that Sir Isteval is petty enough for it, but- 

He’s afraid.

He’s not the only one in the church who is the way he is. It had been the easiest thing, there, but he’s not sheltered. He knows how people talk, how people act. He’s afraid.

In his imaginings the best thing Sir Isteval could do is simply never speak to him again. He might hurt him. He might kill him. He might  _ rescind his support in the fight against Tiamat. _ They’ll lose half the Order. They’ll lose the minor cities. They’ll lose the fight against Tiamat and the world will fall to ruin and all this because Armand is selfish and presumes Sir Isteval- He doesn’t need to know this. He’ll never use this information. This is purely for Armand- This is because Armand wants to tell him so badly he  _ aches _ -

Oh.

He might love him, actually.

At least, he thinks he loves him. Maybe he loves the idea of him. But he wants Sir Isteval to know this about him. He wants to be known. To be understood. But the stakes- He is so afraid. He is so afraid.

“You’re catastrophizing,” Master Evelyn says, pressing their hot cup against Armand’s hand and snapping him out of it. He startles and looks at them, and runs a hand through his hair. “I’m going to believe this is based in observation of people in general and not Sir Isteval in particular. You wouldn't have reason to explore that part of Daggerford, but- my liege likes to meddle in matters of state. He’s not all talk.” They give him a wry smile. “Invite him out. Maybe to coffee. He’ll be glad for the excuse to see you. Does that assuage your fears?”

Armand nods. Sir Isteval is a good man who is noble and brave and anyway his behavior had spoken in favor of him being, at worst, kind about it. Master Evelyn rolls their eyes and laughs.

“He’s just a man, you know,” they say. “He’s all those things you say and more, but he’s also just a man. You don’t have to put him up on a pedestal. 

“Now, all that said.” They root around in their bag and pull out a stack of papers. “I went over your notes on my draft from last time and I want you to tell me what you think.” Armand laughs and takes the papers from them. “Don’t read it right now. My heart won’t be able to take it. Have you read Rigel Corax’s new work? Tell me what you thought of  _ No Tenderness. _ ”

**Author's Note:**

> this episode brought to you by the hopeless romantic podcast, where Chant was like trans people come out in two ways: sex, or being walked in on. And also I got called out directly personally (lmao) when he said he wants to explore like the actual ramifications, instead of just making it about how supportive the love interest is and making this about the love interest. So. Here. Let’s write down exactly what was going through Armand’s head in the deleted scene of the dinner.
> 
> also, me vibing heavily with nozaki "I'm going to mine my personal relationships for content" umetarou


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